Art by Meddygon

Well, for my English class, I have to write a journal. He wants random musings, thoughts, etc. So I figure, “Why not just post things in LiveJournal, and just copy/paste/print and give it to him?”

So here it is, and it might be a bit more than regular readers (if such things exist) are used to, because I am really not interested in censorship right now.

1. I am an idiot over certain things. I have fucked up, to a great extent, my internet relationships. Even people who were my closest don’t have interest in me anymore.

Not like it matters much, but [ca], I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to, and said about you. Anyone who’s reading this, don’t bother saying anything, I know he doesn’t care, and I really don’t care anymore either.

[sch], sorry if I’ve ever lead you on in anything. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel bad when you didn’t deserve it. I want things to be cool between us again.

[g], thanks for listening to me gripe all the time. And thanks for being so forgiving.

85% of [stu] can still go to hell. The 15% who shouldn’t are still cool, even if I don’t talk to them anymore.

2. I love you, Jorenko. I miss you, I want you here, and I want to cry. (Note to anyone I’ve ever lead on: Anything I’ve ever done, I’ve had Jorenko in mind. Anything I did before, I regret hurting the person, but I also regret not thinking of Jorenko.)

Jorenko’s been my best friend since sixth grade, ever since I had a huge crush on him. After a while, I didn’t care about dating, because there were things slightly more entertaining than the courtship ritual of humans at the time.

One of the things that kept him from making moves on me before was the way I acted before, when I was fucked in the head over something. I don’t want to be like that ever again, and never would I want to do anything to hurt Jorenko.

3. Offline life confuses me. I’ve spent 18 years of my life under the impression that I’m an ugly fat girl that no one would ever like based on looks alone. I move away from Ohio, and suddenly, I’m pretty? There are guys (and girls) flirting, hitting on me, etc. And it’s not just nasty ones, either. There are a lot of good looking people out there, and some of them think I’m good looking, too.

I don’t know how to deal with the attention. I just smile, and blush, and stay quiet.

I’ve never really liked people whose interest is sparked by looks, though. I prefer personality. I have a need to get to know people. But, unfortunately, people think that because I want to get to know them, I want to get to KNOW them.

[md], someone I know in real life alone, but I am soon to know online as well, is a great guy. He’s nice, sweet, funny, etc, but nice guys finish last, I guess. I feel somewhat bad forcing him to be just friends, because he certainly deserves more. He’s just not getting it from me.

[gr], a friend of [md], is always trying to get me to give [md] was he “deserves”, but nuh-uh. I’m taken. It’s goina stay that way.

Through [md], I’ve made a lot of gamer friends. I go off to a CyberCafe a lot and play with them.

4. School. The classes barely offer a challenge – but this is only the start of my second quarter. It’ll get tougher, I hope.

Through school, I’ve met one of the coolest people I know both on and offline – Q. I want to get to know her better and hang out with her more, but I don’t know how to go about it.

5. Art – Too much story, not enough attention span. I’ve got to get it all on paper some day . . .

[Insert more if I think of anything.]