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Worst. Essay. Ever.

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Las Meninas, Diego Velasquez, 1656

Las Meninas, Diego Velasquez, 1656

Before reading this I feel it is important to understand the context under which it was written. This is an Art History class for non-art majors, focusing on the renaissance through cubism. This is for exam two. The class is two hours long, and the first portion of the test is fill-in-the-blank coupled with viewing of projected slides of various paintings the class had learned about. The essay portion allows the student to choose one of three topics and use whatever time is left of the two hours to write the essay. The test started at 6:15 PM and I left the classroom at 6:48 PM. I’m not certain how much of that time I was actually writing the essay, as I was writing between slides as well.

The prompt I chose for the essay was: “Valesquez’s Las Meninas 1656. Describe the form and content of the painting. What are the two subject matter. Describe the way the artist includes the viewer and how he leaves the meaning uncertain.”

And so, here is what I refereed to as my “worst essay ever” (though I suppose if I wrote “dog poop” a few times and turned that in, it’d be worse):

Las Meninas is a portrait of the princess of Spain, while implying to the viewer that they are the subject. As the handmaidens attend to the princess, she, the attending dwarves, and the artist acknowledge the viewer’s position is occupied. The mirror in the background shows that the king and queen are looking on, possibly the subjects of the painting-within-the-painting. Velasquez effectively places the viewer in the king and queen’s shoes. It is only momentarily, however, as a courtier in the back of the studio opens a door to prepare the way for the royal visitors.

All the above is subject to speculation, however, as the man in the back can be coming or going. As well, it is not clearly indicated if the royal pair are visiting or sitting for a portrait. The king’s dog also in the painting, but what he’s doing there (other than being prodded by a dwarf’s foot) is not certain. I personally read this painting as the king and queen having their portrait done and the princess is waiting (possibly impatiently as implied by the maidens fussing over her) for her turn to be included in the portrait.

There are two light sources in the painting. From the right, natural light enters and brightens the princess showing she is the true focus of the painting. Rather than being a simple group portrait, Velasquez included implied movement, making the painting a snapshot in time. The second light source is in the back, where a man looks on, interrupting the scene just as the light interrupts the dark background.

Bye Bye Dagwood

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We got Dagwood a year ago. He was previously owned by a crazy cat hoarder that lost her home. All the cats were put up for adoption and he was lucky enough to be adopted by couple in North Royalton. They found that this adult cat was not compatible with their golden retriever and advertised his necessity to be re-homed on Craigslist. I responded and picked him up. He was an affectionate cat that loved hands; he would dig under the blankets to nuzzle your hand if he knew it was there.

James took him in for his checkup a few weeks ago and called me with some grave news: Dagwood had FeLV, and it was already causing lymphoma. We decided that we couldn’t afford to treat a cat for cancer again, and decided that we’d give him everything else until he was no more.

Dagwood eventually stopped eating much, then barely anything at all, and then he was just drinking. This morning he was hanging around his water dish, not bothering to sit up to drink. He was laying on his side, licking up whatever he could. We decided that it was time, and today at 5PM we took him to the vet and had him put down. He was 7 lbs in the end, when he’d been twice that or more a month ago.

Bye bye, Dagwood.

From Dagwood

Shopping!

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MOAR

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You know what this blog needs? More baby videos.

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Man, Fandom is WEIRD.

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Breakfast

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(Modified) Lyrics to a TMBG song.

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OLDER:

I’m older than I’ve ever been.
And now I’m even older.
And now I’m even older.
And now I’m even older.

I’m older than I’ve ever been.
And now I’m even older.
And now I’m older still.

TIME! Is marching on.
And time.. is still marching on.
This day will soon be at an end and now it’s even sooner.
And now it’s even sooner.
And now it’s even sooner.
This day will soon be at an end and now it’s even sooner.
And now it’s even sooner.
And now it’s sooner still.

You’re older than you’ve ever been.
And now you’re even older.
And now you’re even older.
And now you’re even older.

I’m older than I’ve ever been.
And now I’m even older.
And now I’m even older.
And now I’m even older.

I’m older than I’ve ever been.
And now I’m even older.
And now I’m older still.

Fedex attempted to deliver my birthday present today, but a signature was required and no one was home to receive it. My class let out early, so I decided to go to the Fedex shipping center to pick it up. The customer counter closed at 8; I left the campus at 7:15.
On the highway, someone decided to go 45 in the left lane (speed limit 60) until the moment I moved into the right lane to pass them. Then they went 75 (I was going 67 the whole time) and got way ahead of me, then moved into the center lane. I caught up to them again, as they had once again decided to go 45. I passed them in the left lane, then moved all the way to the right to make my exit.

Off the highway, I followed my GPS directions to the proper road to get to Fedex. Once I arrived, I was faced with a temporary “ONE WAY” sign pointing the opposite direction I needed to go. There’s construction down the entire stretch of roadway. The time was 7:50. I had 10 minutes to turn around and follow the detour. Thankfully, the detour only took 7.

Inside the Fedex shipping center, I provide the CSR my tracking number. They inform me that the driver is not in yet, and has not given them an ETA.

I had one more errand, I needed to sign some papers to finish filing my taxes with HR Block. The tax agent spent more time on the phone for a personal call than she did with me, but I can forgive her. She got screwed by a vehicle rental company. They told her previously they’d have a 12 person van delivered to her door before she got home from work. The phone call she received at 8:30 (her shift ended at 9) was to tell her they didn’t actually have a 12 person van at all, and could offer her NOTHING to rectify the situation, not even give her two smaller vans.

The good news for today is that I got someone hooked up with contacts to get them the training they need to keep their clients.

“Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.”

New Music

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Today we finally spent a Best Buy gift card from my parents. It was originally for a USB turntable, but I could never find a decent deal for one from Best Buy so we bought games and music instead.
Games:
Pikmin for Wii
Spirit Tracks for DS

Music:
White Stripes – Icky Thump
White Stripes – Elephant
Ratatat – Classics
Mika – Life in Cartoon Motion
The Raconteurs – Broken Boy Soldiers
Lady Gaga – The Fame Monster [Deluxe Edition]
Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

And now the music we forgot to post from Christmas:
Lily Allen – It’s Not Me, It’s You
Cake – Prolonging The Magic
ZZ Top – Rancho Texicano
Muse – The Resistance
The Prodigy – Invaders Must Die
Mika – The Boy Who Knew Too Much

And more music that we got and didn’t post about between today and Christmas:
Weezer – Raditude [Deluxe Edition]
OK Go – Of the Blue Colour of the Sky
OK Go – OK Go

Some day I’m going to post a huge list of all our legally purchased music that we keep mp3s of with links to go buy it yourself. Of course, if you’re a friend, you can always borrow our CDs.

Jonas V. Lemons

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